Quotes

Below is a list of all the quotes you will see randomly on the right side of the page.

Life isn't worth living, unless it is lived for someone else.

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.

I love Thanksgiving turkey...it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.

Holy Frickin' Frak-Monkey Frakkin' Frickity Frak Monkey!

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

Everybody benefits when I do laundry. Give me quarters.

Ninja.

There is a wrong way to eat a Reese's: sticking it in your eye.

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher...or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

I can't give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

What do the starship Enterprise and a roll of toilet paper have in common? They both fly around Uranus and look for Klingons.

Without a little insanity every day, I'd go insane!

If I were normal... Hehe... Nevermind.

62.15% of all statistics are meaningless.

A Gibbs-slap a day keeps the stupid away.

We don't have any wheat here.

Ben: "How do you feel? Better than you look, I hope."
Rhondi: "That's nice." [turns to Luke] "If you want grandchildren someday, you need to have a conversation with your son about how to talk to the ladies."

Thrackan: "All right. General Antilles, acting as Chief of State and Minister of War for Corellia, I hereby order you to communicate with your daughter Syal and do your genuine best to persuade her to follow whatever course of action I recommend to her. Is that clear enough?"
Wedge: "Absolutely."
Thrackan: "And?"
Wedge: "Go to hell."

Tycho: "Normally, we just shoot things."
Wedge: "We keep trying to retire. Give up this life of shooting things."
Tycho: "We're really men of peace at heart."

Karrde: "In space, the job of rescuing them will become much more complicated."
Shada: "I see that. But it will be more complicated yet if they blow us out of the sky."
Karrde: "Shada, when will you learn to trust my instincts? When have I ever gotten you killed?"
Shada: "You have a point there, I suppose."

Wedge: "Tycho, we're about to achieve a tremendous victory we don't want."
Tycho: "We'll put that in your biography. General Antilles was so good he couldn't fail when he tried to."

Wedge: "Leia's two doors down, with two strange men."
Mirax: "How do you know they're strange men? It might be Han and Luke."
Wedge: "Han and Luke are two strange men."

Luke: "Your feelings betray you, Ben."
Ben: "Betray me? Do they stab me in the back, or do they just give me a swift kick in the butt?"

Ben: "I got my brains from Mom."
Luke: "As well as your tendency toward verbal abuse."

Janson: "You look like some weird cross between a starfighter pilot and a Batravian gumplucker."
Hobbie: "Wes, I don't even know what that is."
Janson: "Sure you do, Hobbie. A starfighter pilot is a guy who flies an X-wing without getting blown up. Check the Basic Dictionary. Though I can understand how you get confused."

The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

Ben: "Jedi Skywalkers. Practicing a fine family tradition of rescuing people from the dark side."
Luke: "Hey, there are worse family traditions."
Ben: "Like Aunt Leia's spiceloaf."
Luke: "You think the dark side is scary, you say that to her."
Ben: "I won't. I like my body intact, thank you very much."

Luke: "Hungry?"
Ben: "I'm sixteen. Of course I'm hungry."

Luke: "I activated my lightsaber first. That's not what Jedi do. We protect and defend those who can't defend themselves. So I failed my first test on the whole light side–dark side thing pretty miserably."
Ben: "You know, it gives me hope that you screwed up so badly and so consistently as a kid, Dad."

Ben: "Dad, what if we're completely wrong?"
Luke: "I'm always prepared to entertain that suggestion. The universe is nothing if not humbling."

Luke: "What's the first thing you learned in training to be a Jedi?"
Ben: "Don't cut off your own head with your lightsaber."
Luke: "After that."
Ben: "Your eyes can deceive you. Be mindful of your feelings. Girls are fun but dangerous. Lando has extra cards up his sleeve."
Luke: "Well, the truth is in there somewhere..."

Luke: "Ben, what is our purpose as Jedi?"
Ben: "Well… to keep the Force in balance and to help people stay in balance with the Force. To detect wrongs and make them right. To serve as models for very attractive lines of boots."
Luke: "Let's go back one."

Ben: "We're choosing new names?"
Luke: "No."
Ben: "Oh. That's sad. I was looking forward to being Sparky."
Luke: "Sounds like a name for a monkey-lizard."
Ben: "And you could be Grand Master Whango Mittphool."
Luke: "Not in this lifetime."

Luke: "Tell you what, if you think it's wrong for you to think of them as ugly, just think of how you look to them. Short, squat, unlined skin, a nose that puffs up like a rodent, tiny little mouth with jagged white things in it, a horrible shrub-like growth on your head."
Ben: "This, from the man who's worn a bowl-cut hairstyle almost all his adult life."

Han: "So, spit it out."
C-3PO: "Droids are unable to salivate, Captain Solo."

C-3PO: "A mountian range! That will certainly complicate our escape."
Han: "Complicate? If it were me flying, you'd be back there yelling, We're doomed, we're doomed!"

A-98: "Are you Jedi as good with blasters as you are with lightsabers?"
Obi-Wan: "Better. We only use lightsabers to make fights more equitable."

Tahiri: "Remember, you're supposed to be training me. What does the wise Jedi do in a situation like this?"
Corran: "The wise Jedi avoids situations like this."
Tahiri: "Oh. I don't guess I know any wise Jedi, then. Very disillusioning."
Corran: "Right. And that's your lesson for the day—don't hang on to your illusions."
Tahiri: "I was hoping more for a crash course in 'how to kick butt when you're outnumbered thirty to two.' "
Corran: "Well, if you're going to be picky about what I teach…"

Nen Yim: "You. You've come to kill me."
Tahiri: "You think so? Why would I do that? Merely because you tortured me, turned my brain inside out, tried to turn me against everything I had ever known?"
Corran: "You two know each other, then."

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws.

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.

Corran: "Rogue Squadron doesn't run, unless we really, really have to."
Wedge: "No, this will be Wraith Squadron's mission."
Face: "We don't mind running, even when we don't have to."

As he emerged from the bacta tank, his comrades spoke.
Face said, “Forgive the intrusion, but we heard the new vintage of Piggy was being decanted.
Lara said, “But it looks like it turned to vinegar.”
Dia said, “And it’s corked.”
A young Devaronian he didn't know said, "I am pleased to meet you. I need you to kill me. Nobody else will."
The perky technician said, "You'll need as much as possible to avoid activities that put a strain on your stomach muscles."
Janson said, "To make sure you remember this little event, we've had some special things made up for you. Bacta-flavored candy. Bacta-flavored brandy. Bacta-flavored cheese."
Shalla said, "Kell and I worked up an instruction manual for you. It's called, 'How to Dodge'."
Piggy mopped away at his damp skin and allowed himself a slight smile. It was good to be home.

Face: "I'm putting in a commendation for Lieutenant Janson for bravery."
Wedge: "Like he needs another one."
Face: "Maybe he can build a little fort out of them."

Wedge: "Sithspit! What's that?"
Janson: "That's the sun, Wedge. It's after dawn."
Wedge: "Well, it offends me. Turn it off."

Wedge: "Good screaming, Hobbie."
Hobbie: "I practice a lot. Anytime Wes makes plans for the squadron, for example. Anytime a Corellian cooks for us."

Wedge: "We have the right tools to subvert our Imperial admiral."
Hobbie: "What tools?"
Wedge: "Oh, Wes's maturity, your optimism, and my diplomatic skills."
Hobbie: "We're doomed."

Janson: "Leader, this is Three. Are you crazy? Acknowledge."
Wedge: "Three, Leader. That's affirmative."

Wedge: "I thought maybe you'd be able to do what I never could. Get Wes up to an emotional age of fourteen, maybe fifteen."
Tycho: "No power in the universe could do that. Not Darth Vader and the dark side of the Force, not the nuclear devastation of an exploding sun."

Hobbie: "You lied to me."
Wedge: "I did. With my brilliant achievements in the diplomatic profession has come the realization that lies can be powerful motivators."
Hobbie: "My faith is shattered."
Wedge: "You knew, when I said we needed four sets of women's clothing, that we were going to end up in them. You knew. So any hopes you had to the contrary were just self-delusion."
Hobbie: "I understand that. But I'd rather blame you than me."

Tycho: "I've been reviewing engineering and performance statistics."
Janson: "What, while we've been maneuvering?"
Tycho: "Yes, restraining myself so that you could keep up with me has left me plenty of time for intellectual pursuits. I also composed a symphony and drafted a plan to bring peace to the galaxy."

Scout: Yes! Yes, exactly!...How did you know?
Yoda: Secret, shall I tell you? Grand Master of Jedi Order am I! Won this job in a raffle I did, think you? How did you know, how did you know, Master Yoda? Master Yoda knows these things. His job it is.

You tear me down and then you pick me up. You take it all and still it's not enough. You try to tell me you can heal me, but I'm still bleeding and you'll be the death of me!

And you can't stop me from falling apart 'cause my self-destruction is all your fault.

Anakin: "Then we decided to come and rescue you."
Obi-Wan: [rolls eyes] "Good job."

We're gonna explode? I don't wanna explode.

Doctor, I'm taking your sister under my protection here. If anything happens to her, anything at all, I swear to you, I will get very choked up. Honestly, there could be tears.

So no more runnin'. I aim to misbehave.

Peter Gibbons: "So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."
Dr. Swanson: "What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?"
Peter Gibbons: "Yeah."
Dr. Swanson: "Wow, that's messed up."

Samir: "No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of [crap] out the window."
Michael Bolton: "You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed"

I have to say, Captain: I'm impressed that you would come for her yourself. And that you would make it this far...in that outfit.

I swallowed a bug.

Wash: "Yeah well, if she doesn't give us some extra flow from the engine room to offset the burn through, this landing is gonna get pretty interesting."
Mal: "Define interesting."
Wash: "Oh god oh god we're all gonna die?"
Mal: (into PA System) "This is the captain. We have a...little problem with our engine sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then...explode."

Mal: "Yeah well, just get us on the ground."
Wash: "That part will happen pretty definitely."

Mal: "Zoe, ship is yours. Remember: if anything happens to me, if you don't hear from me within the hour, you take the ship -- and you come and you rescue me."
Zoe: "What? Risk my ship?"

Operative: "That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship. She is an albatross, Captain."
Mal: "Way I remember it, albatross was a ship's good luck, 'til some idiot killed it." (to Inara) "Yes, I've read a poem, try not to faint."

Operative: "I have a warship in deep orbit, Captain. We locked onto Serenity's pulse beacon the moment you hit atmo. I can speak a word and send a missile to that exact location inside of three minutes."
Mal: "You do that," (pulls out Serenity's pulse beacon) "you'd best make peace with your dear and fluffy Lord."

Mal: "I never credited the Alliance with an overabundance of brains, and if you're the best they've got-"
Operative: "Captain Reynolds, I should tell you, so that you don't waste your time: you can't make me angry."
Inara: "Please. Spend an hour with him."

Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a ninety-pound girl, 'cause I don't think that's ever gettin' old.

Chloe: "Can you do that without talking?"
Morris: "I could, it would be a terrible waste of my charm."

Hotchner: "This is Dr. Reid."
Heather’s Brother: "Doctor? You seem too young to have gotten into Medical school..."
Reid: "There are PhD's. Three of them."
Heather’s Brother: "Are you a genius or something?"
Reid: "I don’t believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words per minute. (gets a weird look) Yes, I’m a genius."

Gideon: "Try again. Fail again. Fail better."
Reid: "Samuel Beckett. "
Morgan: "Try not. Do or do not."
Reid: "Yoda."

Garcia: "You've reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI's office of Supreme Genius."
Morgan: "Hey it's Morgan. I need you to work some magic here. I've got a program called Deadbolt Defence and a girl with only a couple hours to live so what do you know?"
Garcia: "You've got a problem. Deadbolt's the number one password crack-resistant software out there. You're gonna have to get inside this guy's head to get the password."
Morgan: "I thought I was calling the office of Supreme Genius."
Garcia: "Well gorgeous, you've been re-routed to the office of Too Frickin' Bad."

Garcia: "Okay, you know how on Star Trek when Captain Kirk asked McCoy to do something totally impossible, and McCoy says, 'Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a miracle worker?'"
Morgan: "Hey, what are you telling me? Not to expect a miracle?"
Garcia: "No, I'm saying I'm not a doctor."
Morgan: "That's my girl."

Elle: "I may have something. Barbara Keller was having some trouble insuring some coins she bought. The insurance company thought they might be fake."
Hotchner: "So the insurance company is blowing up annoying clients?"

Morgan: "I hate not having a plan. We’re looking for a needle in a haystack."
Reid: "Actually, it’s more like we’re looking for a needle in a pile of needles."
Morgan: "What? "
Reid: "A needle would stand out in a haystack."
Morgan: (laughs) "Okay and we're not looking for someone who stands out?"
Reid: "No it's more like we're looking for a particular needle in a pile of needles."

Inara: "What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?"
Mal: "That it was manly and impulsive?"
Inara: "Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was 'don't'."

Kaylee: "These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I-- how 'bout that!"
Mal: "Yeah, well, just be careful. We cheated Badger out of good money to buy that frippery, and you're supposed to make me look respectable."
Kaylee: "Yessir, Captain Tight Pants."

Harrow: "I know him. And I think he's a psychotic lowlife."
Mal: "And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic lowlife community."

River: "The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems."
Mal: "See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like."

Mal: "Are you offering me a trade?"
Jayne: "A trade!? Hell, it's theft! This is the best damn gun made by man. It has extreme sentimental value. It's miles more worthy than what you got."
Mal: "What I got? She has a name."
Jayne: "So does this! I call it Vera."
Mal: "Well, my days of taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."

Zoe: "Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?"
Book: "Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps."

Wilson: "House, you're right! Why not? Why not date you?? It's brilliant; we've known each other for years, we've put up with all kinds of crap from each other, and we keep coming back. We're a couple!"
House: "Are you still speaking metaphorically?"

Cameron: "What's with the jacket?"
House: "It keeps me warm and cool. How does it know?"

Cuddy: "Why did you?"
House: "Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?"

Tritter: "Merry Christmas."
House: "Happy go to hell."

Chase: "We've got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine."
House: "I teach you to lie and cheat and steal and the second my back is turned you wait in line!"

House: "How are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home."
Cuddy: "No you couldn't."
House: "Nice."

House: "I assume 'minimal at best' is your stiff upper lip British way of saying 'no chance in hell.'"
Chase: "Actually, I'm Australian."
House: "You put the Queen on your money, you're British."

Chase: "How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?"
House: "I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life."

Cuddy:"Dr. House! Need you here."
House:"No thanks. Lotta sick people. I might catch something."

Mary: "You're verbally impotent."
Marshall: "I swear, this has never happened before."

GIR: "GIR, reporting for duty."
Zim: "GIR? What does the G stand for?"
GIR: "I don't know."

Zim: "Ummm...is it supposed to be stupid?"
Tallest Purple: "It's not stupid, it's advanced!"

Zim: "How could you not know?! I just upgraded your guidance system!"
GIR: "Oh. I left that at home."
Zim: "You left what at home?"
GIR: "The guidy chippy thingy."
Zim: "You! Why would you do that?!"
GIR: "To make room for the cupcake!"

Zim: "What are you doing, GIR?"
GIR: "Nothing..."
Zim: "Nothing... or something?"
GIR: "Oh, I can't take it, you're too smart for me. Keef is planning a s'prise party for you after skool. He gonna bring all the kids because he loves you! [crying] That boy loves you so much! [stops crying] I'm makin' the cake!"

Zim: "You haven't touched it? Something is broken and it's not your fault?"
GIR: "I know...I'm scared too..."

Zim: "Why was there bacon in the soap?!!!"
GIR: "I made it myself!"

Dib: "Don't you care that Zim is trying to destroy all mankind? Huh?"
Gaz: "But he's so bad at it."

Zim: "GIR! Unleash the monkey!"
GIR: "...MONKEY!"

Kate: "Don't dismiss me like that, ok. I earned my jock strap."
Gibbs: "Yeah? It ever give you that empty feeling?"
Kate: "What?"
Gibbs: "Your jockstrap!"
Kate: "No, like some species of frog, I grow what I need."

Ducky: "You know post mortem details can be extremely revealing. Remember that case four years ago, where the young Marine was buried in an anthill up to his neck?"
Gibbs: "Duck. It was eight years ago. (Points to a body in the morgue) How did he die?"
Ducky: "No, it can't be eight years. No, I know it wasn't! Four years ago your third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat. I distinctly remember the ant-eaten Marine on that table there when I stitched you up."

Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.

Why does the woman thing come up when a ship is sinking or there's only one bedroom with a bath?

I don't think I've ever seen so many brown robes together in one place. It's like a showroom for the world's dullest textile factory.

You have the manners of a bantha with digestion problems. If you had children, I hope they were raised by piranha-beetles so they'd be nicer than you.

If you start to feel evil, tell me as soon as possible. Don't wait and cut my hand off first.

There's no logic to it that I can see. Captain Solo can be quite embarassing enough on his own.

Do we have to go right now? I wanna watch the Scary Monkey Show.

Must obey the taco man!

But I need tacos! I need them or I will explode. That happens to me sometimes...

WHY MY PIGGY?! WHY?! I LOVEDEDED YOU PIGGY! I LOVEDEDED YOUUUUU!!

And then the squirrel ate Dib's greasy head. And then the squirrel flew away! After that, he flew back to his home planet to fight all the bad guys.

The knowledge, it fills me. It is neat.

Awww... I wanted to explode.

I miss my cupcake.

CHICKEN! I'm gonna eat you!

Hi floor! Make me a sanmmich!

Your methods are stupid! Your progress is stupid! Your intelligence is stupid!

Leia and I can talk. The Noghri can keep each other occupied. But if C-3PO doesn't have R2-D2 to talk to, he'll talk to us. Save me, Luke Skywalker, you're my only hope.

Everybody lies.

I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone that someone is probably the last person you should ask.

There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between
love and hate.

Like I always say, there's no 'I' in team. There's a 'me,' if you jumble it up.

Well, like the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can't always get what you want.'

To do what I always do in these situations. Treat my patient behind his back and make him better.

Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own butt. It's always ugly. Always. You can live with dignity, we can't die with it.

My friends call me 'the cane.' Even before I messed up my leg.

I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits.

Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics.

I try to kill him, you're mad. I don't kill him, you're mad.

Sorry. I already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots.

I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.

I told you never to call me when I'm on trial.

You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack.

I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous.

Dude can't button a shirt. How much more damage are we really talking about?

Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life. Apparently worth $186.

I asked you what two plus two equals and a day later you tell me, 'Not twenty-five.'

That was awesome. I gotta start pretending to care.

Arrogance has to be earned. Tell me what you've done to earn yours.

Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.

Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite.

Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills.

Oh, no! Level Three! Somebody call Jack Bauer!

I always say if you're going to get shot, do it in a hospital.

Don't worry. Many women learn to live with this parasite. My own mother, for example. Forty-five years and she only complains about it now from time to time.

Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it's great, but so you know, I've never made a tree.

She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink.

The great thing about telling somebody they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for.

On average, drug addicts are stupid.

He drilled a hole in your skull after drinking your pee. I think he's up for this.

Slippery slope -- today we withhold porn, tomorrow it's clean bandages.

People don't change. For example, I'm gonna keep on repeating 'people don't change.'

You can look the other way once, and it's no big deal, except it makes it easier for you to compromise the next time, and pretty soon that's all you're doing; compromising, because that's the way you think things are done. You know those guys I busted? You think they were the bad guys? Because they weren't, they weren't bad guys, they were just like you and me. Except they compromised... Once.

I picked his team because I heard a hangar tech say it was going to the vilest den of corruption and degeneracy in Consortium space. Naturally, I knew you would show up sooner or later.

Ten percent of nuthin' is...let me do the math here...nuthin' into nuthin'...carry the nuthin'...

I don't like it that you can win an argument without using verbs.

Son, go beat her up.

Now go, and stop worrying, or I swear I'll come back as a Force ghost and bug you while you're on a date.

We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so...very...pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die.

I don't believe there's a power in the 'verse that can stop Kaylee from being cheerful. Sometimes you just wanna duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.

Well they tell you: never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is, on occasion, hilarious.

And Kaylee, what the hell's goin' on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?

Sure. It would be humiliating. Having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. (lightly stabs Atherton with the sword) Guess I'm just a good man. (stabs him again) Well, I'm all right.

And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...

Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...

Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still haven't received my paycheck and he took my stapler and he never brought it back and then they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it...

That's enough to make me LOL out loud.

I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in a dictionary.

Also? I can kill you with my brain.

According to my scientist, your boobies are outta luck.

I brought you some supper but if you'd prefer a lecture, I've a few very catchy ones prepped...sin and hellfire... one has lepers.

If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

Oh my god. What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing!? Oh right, that would be me. Back to work.

Another old friend of mine, Wes Janson, the galaxy's least serious man, except when he's killing the enemy or trying to make a point, once said this to me. 'The real sign that someone has become a fanatic,' he said, ' is that he completely loses his sense of humor about some important facet of his life. When humor goes, it means he's lost his perspective.'

Sometimes I miss my sanity.

The fate of galactic civilization might someday hang on an intelligence network consisting of this guy I know.

Lieutenant, you're out of uniform. And you know, wearing an Ewok as a swimsuit is a felony on some worlds.

Oh, stop worrying, Wedge. It's obvious they adore you. You could throw up all over yourself and they'd love it. By nightfall they'd all be doing it. They'd call it the 'Wedge Purge.' They'd be eating different-colored foods just to add variety.

Yub, yub, Commander.